As I’m nearing my sixth week of not shopping—in defiance of all odds, I managed to stay on track before my trip—I’m somewhat astonished to find that just as is the case with forming a habit, time really does make breaking one ever easier too.
I can hear you going ‘duh’ at the banality of this realisation, and I don’t blame you. But I cannot overstate how reassuring it is for someone who up until a month ago thought they’d never make it out of the pit of their own digging to feel their long-present compulsion subsiding.
Naturally, I still get ‘the urge’ when I come across something nice, but overall, I am finding it less and less impossible to simply appreciate said nice stuff from a distance, without the fervid need to own it immediately.
I’d be lying, however, if I didn’t admit to the acute moments of difficulty my newfound optimism is still marbled with. Lately, such moments have arisen mostly after I’ve cautiously peeked at my bank balance, and have had to concede that things are still looking rather bleak.
You see, I naively thought my circumstances would start improving very drastically as soon as I’d curb my shopping enthusiasm. What I evidently suppressed when I came up with this fantastical outlook is the hefty sum I am paying back every month until 2026 (FML) as well as the impact my other careless expenditures have on my thin wallet. While I may not have bought a single piece of clothing since we last spoke, I did purchase pilates and barre class passes for a combined CHF 400, get a CHF 260 hydrafacial and CHF 230 mani/pedi. Throw in a few hydrangea bouquets, at least three poké bowls a week and two sun beds in Capri that cost too much to ever discuss, and anyone with half a brain will comprehend why things haven’t progressed much.
Small but mighty
It’s actually always been these ‘small’ sums—which naturally end up being anything but small when added up—that have gotten me into trouble. Month after month, I’d tell myself a dress for 500 or jeans for 300 francs wasn’t going to make a noticeable difference, what with my decent salary and all, and therefore didn’t warrant any second-guessing. On (semi-)rare occasions I’d splurge and go over 1000 for a pair of boots or a coat, but I’d never bring myself to shell out 3k or more on, say, a handbag. Even if, of course, I’d easily surpass that amount with all these other purchases.
Subconsciously, I think I may have used this ‘boundary’ to trick myself into believing that as long as it didn’t exceed this arbitrary threshold, no single purchase needed to be worried about. At the end of each billing cycle I’d predictably be shocked at how much all these ‘little’ things would amount to, but still far too reluctant to face up to reality.
Whenever I ponder over the Mount Everest that still lies between me and financial peace, I soon start feeling so despondent about the inescapability of my past wrongdoings, that I am inclined to just give up and into my cravings. Because not doing so seems to make absolutely no difference anyway.
I went through multiple such moments in Capri. For anyone who hasn’t been: it’s a truly magical island of an almost otherworldly beauty—but the temptations to succumb to impassioned consumerism are ripe. Bottega, Prada, Gucci, Chanel, Missoni, you name it: there’s virtually no high-end brand without a store on Via Camerelle or Via Vittoria Emanuele. And the high-spirited holiday atmosphere, often exquisitely dressed tourists and pretty surroundings suddenly make all these stores and their prices seem so…inconsequential? Had my boyfriend not been with me, I can’t promise that I wouldn’t have eventually thrown caution to the wind and gotten out my credit card. Because what’s 3k more if you’re already so deep in debt?
After a soothing Bellini, I instead tried to turn my attention to the incredible natural splendour around me—and on how much our overconsumption is threatening that very beauty. I know shaming oneself is not exactly the recommended way to work on one’s shortcomings, but whenever I remind myself how much animal suffering is involved in the making of a trendy leather shoe or alligator belt, such products instantly seem an awful lot less desirable.
Present shopping distractions
What I’ve been wearing
What I’ve been experiencing
Good: I dined at Gamper, a very interesting restaurant, with a friend who was in town for a few days. Said friend also recommended I listen to The New Yorker podcast Critics at Large and I am hooked. I love the conversational format and the writers’ sharp observations about what shapes our culture.
Bad: I am anaemic and got my first iron IV infusion this week. While I didn’t feel anything unusual for the first 60 hours, I awoke in the early hours of Thursday to go to the bathroom and felt my blood pressure drop to about 5. I escaped fainting but not the fever, chills and body aches that followed. Here’s hoping I’ll start feeling some of the supposed benefits of not being iron deficient soon?
What I’ve been reading
For the book club I joined at the start of this year, I am currently reading Four Seasons in Japan by Nick Bradley and thoroughly enjoying it. It also makes me long to go back to Japan soon; something I hope to be able to forgo stuff and save up for.
What I’ve been eating
I’m genuinely still dreaming about the heavenly ‘Ravioli Capresi’ I ate in Capri. Oh, the aroma and creaminess of the cheese, oh, the rich tomato and basil flavour. I would love to attempt to make these myself but fear ruining this precious memory by butchering them.
Also, I fucking love pistachio ice cream.
What I’ve been watching
I watched the first two episodes of The Perfect Couple with my boyfriend, but when we were halfway through the third a few days after, he fell asleep on me. I proceeded to binge the remaining two and a half episodes on my own, until 5 AM (it was a Saturday and let’s face it, I am probably also the kid who eats the marshmallow). While the ending was a tad naff for my taste, I found it very entertaining on the whole. Isn’t the way Dakota Fanning plays Abby Winbury just delicious?
Thanks so much for reading!
A xx